Saturday, January 21, 2012

Simple Plan

1/21/2011 2012

It took 3 class sessions to realize that I'd been scribbling the wrong date on all of my notes. I've never been this spaced out. Which is not that surprising given how cynical and bitter I've become over the past couple of years. It was the first time I didn't care much about my birthday or any special occasion and least of all New Year's. I wished my sister who was half-asleep next to me at 12:30'ish and promptly went to bed myself. I did not send out emails or post on anyone's walls or even blog about it. What was the big deal after all? Just another year...just another day...why all the hoopla? That's become my general attitude towards any of the "special days" people celebrate. Which in turn brings me to the all important question of "what the hell?"; how did I, of all people, end up like this?

My phases in life have been super weird, to say the least. When my mom was pregnant with me, she was pretty sure and convinced that she was going to have a baby boy. But when I came along, I did not disappoint her. I was the biggest brat my family had ever seen. I was rude, brash, a tom-boy, dirty and sneaky. For a very long time, I was pretty sure I had been switched in a crowded market place. My baby pics look(s)ed nothing like me. My parents had no clue how they ended up with a child like moi. In my defense, I was trying to be the "boy" my mom wanted.

But it did not last long, out of nowhere I became kinda girly. It had to hit one day and unfortunately for me it was a little earlier than expected. And over the next decade I went through my awkward phase of life. Totally clueless with highly suicidal tendencies and being in a constant state of depression. Not to mention the uber-awkward phase of struggling to figure out what the hell was going on in the highly controversial "beauty" department. I have no idea how and why I look like what I do today. That being said, I did somehow manage to graduate and get a job.

The biggest turning point in my life was that stupid job. I paid my dues for 4 years, happily and with no regrets. Why? Because that's where I actually grew up. My love for Bangalore and it's people and those amazing friends I have will never go away. I have no clue where my grade school, high school or college people are. The one thing I knew from day 1 was that I was a total misfit in my hometown or almost anywhere else. I just feel lesser of a misfit in some places than others. That's the simple truth of my life. And in Bangalore I felt exactly that and I guess that's why when people ask me where I come from, I say Bangalore (India). And to hell with you if you give me crap for that. In hindsight, I fell into step in Bangalore on a much more easier and faster pace that I had imagined. All I had to worry about was the cheque at the beginning of the month to my housekeeper. I did not give a damn about anything else and ran the rat race dutifully, as expected. But Bangalore is the place where I found a better me, my awesome girl-friends and not to mention, VJ. Bangalore was also the place where I found my way to the good ol' South. 

And though my love for Columbia does not extend beyond my beautiful campus, I definitely count it as one of the other places where I have felt the least as a misfit. My life here has been nothing but a rude wake-up call. Figuring out everything from getting a roof over my head to food in the fridge and checking the dead-bolt on the door at night. Also, the huge electricity bills thanks to my paranoia of not being able to sleep alone in the dark. All you Green people, I'm sorry but I am working on it. And I think I have a solution. But later on that. The one thing about these past two years that has kept me as happy as a fish in water is the routine of student life. To me, in my mind, it's just another fancier-sounding name than the rat race. The OCD that I am, this routine keeps me away from the nut house. And the bottle. But in short, life here has been...I think the word I'm searching for is "happy"; but I'm not so sure. However, I'm ok with that choice for now.

I've got 4 more months. This place with it's people and the thousand other things that go with it has been my second stab at growing up. You see, I try. It's the least I can do. I had a simple plan when I got here. But it got a little complicated somewhere along the way. I've become horribly cynical, I feel like I've hardened and become ruthless in many ways, I've definitely been in more frequent bouts of depression; but worst of all, I've managed to find a way through all of this. And at the end of the day, even though I did not celebrate on my birthday or ring in the New Year NYC style, I've managed to somehow find my own version of peace. And "that" definitely calls for a celebration. :)

Happy New Year y'all!


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