I met someone today. She smiled back at me and I saw something in her that made me pause and take a long, hard look.
From where I stood, she was still the same. The dark brown eyes, which were usually mistaken for black, blinked back at me. And in its depths I saw the person that I always knew she was. Every single time I looked, I saw the same person. I saw myself. In the mirror. Everyday.
One thing that I have always known is that time would change me. And I guess I had come to terms with this fact and I guess that this acceptance also made it more easier for me to move ahead. I never stopped to think about the person that I was before. I always looked ahead at the new experinces (be it good or bad) and waited to see how it would influence me. And how I would change. I never disappointed myself. And to this day I know the phases of change that I went through.
These kind of things are made even more obvious to me when I meet people/friends/acquaintances from my past. I say 'past' because one thing any person who knew me would vouch for is that, once I move ahead, I never look back. The first thing they do is do a double-take at me. Just to ensure that it is the same person. And then when I try to tentatively smile at them, I can see their eyes slowly widen; mirroring something of what runs in their mind as they try to assess the awkward situation of running into me. And that something is what I personaly term as: "Oh...Look at the freak!"
The only relationships that have been "permanent" are my family. And I wonder if I have stuck to them only because they are "family" or because I really wanted to? It's when I do not get clear-cut answers to questions like these that insanity catches up with me, just a little though. But what I do know is that my "family" is the reason that I am still afloat in todays world. Of course, I've had my share of issues with them in my growing-up years, but I know I wouldn't ever leave them even if I wanted to. And I also guess that the reason why I have been so reckless with my "friendships" is because I was always content with having my safety-net (my family).
Some people blame me, some others are glad, some others are hardly bothered and some others miss me.
It's the last category that give rise to stirrings of guilt inside of me. I sometimes wonder whether I should let them know about the kind of person that I am and that I did not do anything intentionally. Or maybe I should re-assure them that what I shared with them was not superficial. Neither was it hypocritical. But then again I wonder if they would truly understand. Or if I would just be worsening things; however uncomfortable they already were.
I guess I know the truth and that should be good enough. Without having to open the closet full of skeletons. Whatever I "had" with them was true and a real and live part of myself. Its just that I "move on". Maybe a little too ruthlessly for the comfort of others. And I guess I take no offence in their perceiving me as a "freak". Ironically, I would agree with them.
If you are reading this and you are actually one such person I knew, I hope I was able to clear the air a little between us. :)
P.S.: I recently posted a set of pics in my Facebook account with the "recent" people in my life. And only after looking at the album later I realised and hoped that I was born with a DIGI cam. The closet would then not be full of "skeletons" but full of such "albums". Does that make me less of a "freak"???
