Monday, July 25, 2011


The first time I saw these 3 words was on Stevie's status message and although had given me the "definition", on an imp I asked Stevie what it meant and enjoyed the brief "education" from him on Americana.

Today is my FML day. And there's no escaping it.

Also, it's confession time. So here goes (deep breath): I CANNOT LIVE ALONE

There, I've said it.

The so-called independent me does not mind saying this. Because I don't think that being independent is synonymous with being alone. I moved out when I was 22 and I've lived independently ever since. I survived on my own and learnt about everything from signing cheques to always keeping an extra tube of toothpaste or storing a couple of hundred bucks in a small purse in the bottom shelf of the cupboard for those emergency days when my forgetfullness caught up with me. I learnt it all and I am proud of it.

But that doesn't mean that I am going to stay alone for the rest of my life. No. I refuse to do that. And the simple reason for the same being that I hate myself when I stay alone. I become whiny, wallow often in self-pity, have horrible mood swings like I'm constantly PMSing, start skipping meals, be a couch potato on weekends etc. I hate myself!

I need people around me. Within reach. Not a phone-call or mail or any of that crap. I mean really within reach. Who can come over and give me a hug and sit next to me with a Kleenex box when I am howling away about something/anything stupid. Who can give me a pep-talk when I am too depressed and put my head through a wall when I am being too depressing. I need people like that.

There have only been 2 instances when I have been really "alone". And both the times were in Germany. Which is a weird coincidence. The first time I came here on a work project, the recession hit and all the people were called back. Since my project was already billed, there was no reason to send me back and so they let me stay. I spent 2 weeks alone in the huge guest house until mom came during Diwali to stay with me and keep me company for about a month. This time around, mom was kind enough to offer to come again...but with my student stipend it was impossible for me to afford a place where we could stay. So I obviously said no. But how I wish I could have had someone with me. I spent 3 blissful weeks in June travelling and meeting my classmates around Europe and those 3 weeks were the only time I remember being genuinely happy. So I guess that further proves my point.

Now with less than 3 weeks to go, I am getting frustrated and I want to go home. Now. Right now. I have had enough of this staying alone crazy routine. I just want to be home. With familiar faces all around of me. Friends within huggable distances. Company that can be easily assembled for a "chai-time" get-together or leftovers potluck. All of that. And more.

I am going to be 27 soon and I've had it. I've taken care of myself long enough. And now I want to be taken care of for a change.

I need a place called home. With people in it called friends and family.


Anonymous said...

I have mixed feelings about this post. I'm sad that your sad. I'm glad I taught you something new. I want to kick you in your ass for 1. Feeling sorry for yourself and 2. Calling me "Stevie".

Mai said...

Time will fly and in no time you will be back home...just hold onto those thoughts until then :)

Anshu said...

@ Stephen: You know I love you! And the "Stevie" reference was just to get you all riled up... :) And I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Just can't wait to get back.

Anshu said...

@Mai: That's the hope :)

Post a Comment