Affirmation

I was talking to my friend Sunitha a couple of days ago and she mentioned something* that made me literally stop and think. What she said had little to do with me per say and more to do with how I view myself.

I think very poorly of myself. How and where that comes from, I'm not too sure...but I think it has something to do with my up-bringing. I was never the model child in my family. I was a brat, to put it mildly. I had issues and I had no idea how to deal with them. The only way that I knew was to be rebellious. This of course made my parents worry a great deal and the only way that they thought would change me was to compare me with anyone and everyone around. To them, any child on the road was better than me. From my sister (who btw, was THE model child) to all of my classmates. So obviously I hated them all, including my sister. But it also made me feel highly inadequate about my own abilities. And the little things that I could do well, I always looked for external validation from others to make me feel surer. Surer that yes, I was actually good at something.

And I carry this like a burden on me to this day. Another spin-off about this issue of mine is that I also constantly evaluate myself (and my life) based on what others have achieved. By others I mean those people my parents thought right to compare me against. So it comes as a horrible surprise when someone does the same with me as the yard-stick. I feel like gagging when I hear people tell me that. Because I am doing the exact same thing with someone/anyone/everyone else.

I have nothing against my parents, believe me. They did the best job they could with a brat like me. And all that I am today is because, whatever it is that they did...it was a dammed good job 'cause I am in a good place in my life. Of course, I had problems in my growing-up years but which teenager didn't? It reminds me of this song that I loved in my teenage years...Affirmation by Savage Garden. And this one line in particular: "I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do". It's not like our parents were interviewed or shortlisted before they became mom and dad. And it's not like prior experience was a pre-requisite to become parents. They just married and had kids. Because that's what they did. Come to think of it, that's what most of us are going to do too. Or have already done. Whatever. No one has answers to these kind of questions and it anyways demands a completely different post in itself.

Which brings me to the other issue that I have. Now, I do understand that this kind of comparison does make me get off my lazy ass and do things for myself. But it also makes me look at some others on my down-in-the-dump days and say to myself: " Thank God, I'm better than him/her". Now before you get all judgmental on me...cut me some slack! I'm human, after all. But here again the sick part that I can't help think about is...who is looking at me like that and saying the same thing to themselves? You know, the one with "Thank God, I'm better off than A".

Oh, it makes me feel sick... :(

* Sunitha said that she learnt a lot of things from me. That she wonders how I am so responsible about things in life and even take care of every small issue that she didn't even know would need attention in life. It made me smile then; and it makes me smile now. Thanks Sunitha :)

.F.M.L.

The first time I saw these 3 words was on Stevie's status message and although UrbanDictionary.com had given me the "definition", on an imp I asked Stevie what it meant and enjoyed the brief "education" from him on Americana.

Today is my FML day. And there's no escaping it.

Also, it's confession time. So here goes (deep breath): I CANNOT LIVE ALONE

There, I've said it.

The so-called independent me does not mind saying this. Because I don't think that being independent is synonymous with being alone. I moved out when I was 22 and I've lived independently ever since. I survived on my own and learnt about everything from signing cheques to always keeping an extra tube of toothpaste or storing a couple of hundred bucks in a small purse in the bottom shelf of the cupboard for those emergency days when my forgetfullness caught up with me. I learnt it all and I am proud of it.

But that doesn't mean that I am going to stay alone for the rest of my life. No. I refuse to do that. And the simple reason for the same being that I hate myself when I stay alone. I become whiny, wallow often in self-pity, have horrible mood swings like I'm constantly PMSing, start skipping meals, be a couch potato on weekends etc. I hate myself!

I need people around me. Within reach. Not a phone-call or mail or any of that crap. I mean really within reach. Who can come over and give me a hug and sit next to me with a Kleenex box when I am howling away about something/anything stupid. Who can give me a pep-talk when I am too depressed and put my head through a wall when I am being too depressing. I need people like that.

There have only been 2 instances when I have been really "alone". And both the times were in Germany. Which is a weird coincidence. The first time I came here on a work project, the recession hit and all the people were called back. Since my project was already billed, there was no reason to send me back and so they let me stay. I spent 2 weeks alone in the huge guest house until mom came during Diwali to stay with me and keep me company for about a month. This time around, mom was kind enough to offer to come again...but with my student stipend it was impossible for me to afford a place where we could stay. So I obviously said no. But how I wish I could have had someone with me. I spent 3 blissful weeks in June travelling and meeting my classmates around Europe and those 3 weeks were the only time I remember being genuinely happy. So I guess that further proves my point.

Now with less than 3 weeks to go, I am getting frustrated and I want to go home. Now. Right now. I have had enough of this staying alone crazy routine. I just want to be home. With familiar faces all around of me. Friends within huggable distances. Company that can be easily assembled for a "chai-time" get-together or leftovers potluck. All of that. And more.

I am going to be 27 soon and I've had it. I've taken care of myself long enough. And now I want to be taken care of for a change.

I need a place called home. With people in it called friends and family.

Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm...

--> On days like this, I think God is definitely male

--> urbandictionary.com is not accessible in office. Apparently it comes under the category of "profanity"

--> I have sat with my legs supported on a box since 9 AM...inner peace...inner peace!

--> I need to stitch up that rip in my sweater or stop wearing it to work or make peace with the stares I get

--> I called a friend skrud-face because I remembered it from an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

--> Had a very nice surprise yesterday from a special, stupid, crazy, loveable someone. Kept smiling the whole day for no reason except that a name and a person kept popping in front of my eyes

--> You know you are in love when all the songs makes sense. - Inspired from Castle

--> My recent conversations with a particular friend goes like this:

d: guess what

me: wat?

d: chicken butt

me: skrud face

d: whaaaaaaat

me: wat wat?

d: i have a sexy face

me: or so your mirror would have you think

d: that word is nonsense

me: thats what all skrud faces say

d: have you been drinking at work?

me: i wish i was

d: no you dont

me: why not?

d: because you dont drink. now tell me something sweet!!!!!!

me: gulab jamun

d: oh god...what in the world is that

me: its a sweet

d: i need it in english

me: waffle balls

--> I love my Maybelline mascara and hate my Maybelline eyeliner...I need to find that L'Oreal eyeliner that I packed in one of the 4 bags I bought with me for an internship of 3 months to Germany

--> And I also cannot find that 4-pack of Maggi that I packed in one of those 4 bags

--> It has been raining for one week straight here...meh

--> Some cleaning lady in office threw away my packet of appalam. I found it in the newly changed trash bag all by itself. It was double-bagged anyways, so I picked it up and inspected it and decided to keep it sans the double bags. Don't judge

--> I spent Saturday creating Friends lists and now I have categorised the 271 friends on FB (with new, updated Privacy settings)

--> I hate it when my s's are forcefully converted to z's. I don't believe in conversion of any form or nature

--> Today is Sankatahara Chaturthi and I miss home and my kutti pilaiyar kovil

--> I have 7 GB of songs on my hard-disk but I have no idea which ones to put on my iPod...VJ, where are you when I need you the most?

--> I told someone today that he smells like spring and summer in a bottle...I really need to follow that "Think twice before you speak" advice that people talk about

--> I'm going through a anti-food phase after I weighed myself yesterday night

--> I miss Mai, Chand and Radz. All of you should move to Germany with me for the next 3 weeks and then to the US for the next 5 years. This is an order. Or I will commit suicide. I mean it

--> I cannot stop counting the days until Aug 13. But it also means that I am counting faster to turn 27 and that is not good

--> I am turning 27...'nuff said

...and I end the post on this depressing note...*belch*

Hop, Skip and Jump

I wonder if people know what I am doing.

Do they notice the way I walk based on the rhythm of the song playing in my iPod?

Can they see the smile when the song is reminiscent of a happy memory?

Or the gentle sway of my hips as I try to strut in tune to the beat of the latest item-number?

As I waited for my elevator today, I did a small routine to the tune of Desi Girl as memories of last Diwali at school washed over me. I turned on my toes for a pirouette kind-of move and noticed a guy on the stairs, coming down, watching me in a weird way. The elevator doors opened at that exact moment and I scurried inside. I pushed the button for my floor and prayed silently that he wouldn't know which apartment I lived in.

Blank Noise

I yawned for the umpteenth time at work today and immediately checked the computer time stamp. It read 11:01, 07.07.2011. And I wished it was more like 16:20, 07.07.2011. I wanna go home!

Didn't sleep well last night. Stayed up till 12:44 talking to VJ and watched an episode of BONES. All the while hoping that I would get drowsy enough to sleep, but to no avail. By 1:00 I knew that it was going to be one of those nights. I switched off the light, switched on my bedside lamp and shut the laptop. I wasn't going to let the empty house and the confusion in my head get to me. I blame it all on the empty house. My land-lady with whom I share the apartment is on a 10 day road trip across Germany. With Juli, the golden retriever who also shares our apartment. Empty houses give me the creeps. I need people around me.

I willed myself to fall asleep. Sheep counting never worked for me. So I picked at random thoughts from my head and tried to figure out the story behind it. Here goes...

a)

I am not an insomniac. I never was. Nocturnal maybe, but insomniac? No! I was fondly calledKumbhakarni when I was a kid. Yes, I was that kid. There are times when I need complete silence and darkness to sleep. Even a slight sliver of light through the dammed blinds would get me all irritated. Even the sound of Chand or Mridu on the phone outside the room in my PG in Bangalore would make me so restless that I would ask them to please go to the kitchen and talk. And then on some days, I can fall asleep even in the dead center of Forum Mall. Lets just say I have sleep issues and leave it at that.

b)

To make matters worse, I am not at all a morning person. No matter how many hours of snooze time I get, I always feel grumpy in the mornings. My favorite office wallpaper was Garfield in PJ's with the caption: I'd like mornings better if they started later. My colleagues thought it was hilarious. Seriously. Because I was invariably in office by 8 AM. The reason was nothing else but the fact that I hate Bangalore traffic and the transit from Koramangala to Whitefield is no joke. Nothing to do with the fact that I was a model employee or whatever.

c)

But I digress. However, lets go back to that Garfield thought. It's been quite sometime since I even thought of Garfield. And that again brings me back to IKEA. No, not the store. My panda, IKEA. Whom VJ threatened to behead. I don't know why. But yeah, IKEA is (or rather was) my sleep pillow. I had another one in Bangalore which I think I gave to Radz before I left. And that was a real pillow. I mean it was a baby pillow that was gifted to me. My sister gifted me IKEA once I got here. On nights when I can't sleep at all, it's only IKEA that helps. I named him so cause my sister bought it from IKEA and I was too jet-lagged to come up with a name when she thrust him in my arms on the first day. I checked the label and decided to just go with IKEA as she demanded that I name him at that very moment. So yeah, cuddling IKEA was the only solution on most nights when I was sleepless. He was too big to pack for the summer. So I had to leave him behind. I think he is packed away in some box sitting somewhere in a closet in NC state. Before IKEA, my sleep buddy was a Garfield I had at home. And by home I mean Pondichéry. I loved that Garfield! Again a gift from some relative in the US. Orange, big, cuddly and with whiskers! I tried to bring him with me to the US. But somehow Mom would find him and kept throwing him out whenever I tried to sneak him in one of the suitcases. I miss them. All I have here is another normal pillow. Which is no fun, if you ask me. Not cuddly, not furry, not cute, no bright colors and no whiskers :(

I gave up around 1:30 and switched on the laptop again, queued up 10 episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S on WMP and set the volume to the lowest possible. The noise soothed me. I was about 15 minutes into "The one with the birthing video" when I started feeling drowsing. I quickly switched sides, grabbed my pillow and woke up at 5:30 in the morning.

When I am creeped out, lonely and over-analyzing stuff in my head I sometimes need a kind of blank noise to soothe me. Be it on my iPod or just plain old TV. While in college when I used to do all-nighters for exams, I used to leave the TV on some channel on low and study. The noise helps. Sometimes. Because the blank noise helps drown out the noise in my head.

Why, God? Why? (Enna koduma ithu, Saravana!)

I saw this today through Gradwolf's Twitter feed and felt like crying.

There are very few Tamil movies that I like. I watch very few movies to begin with, so yes when I come across a good one like Khaakha Khaakha being re-made into this...I feel like crying. Till date the last few good Tamil movies I remember from my college days are Khaakha Khaakha and Dum Dum Dum.

The only solace I feel is knowing that Guatham Menon refused to work on this project. It makes me feel a tad better I guess. But still, John Abraham and Genelia? How could they even think that John Abraham could play that role? I have nothing against him, let me tell you that. I do think he's a little cute and hot and what not. But no, he cannot act if his life depended on it. And definitely NOT this role. Come on! And coming to Genelia? Seriously? I do NOT like Jyothika but in that movie, I did like her for once. She stopped playing a dumb bimbo on the likes of Khushi and for once came across with a good performance in Khaakha Khaakha. Genelia just does not seem right, people! Come on!

I have purposely avoided the mention of the Telugu movie Gharshana here. For two reasons: (a) I've not seen the movie and (b) I don't want those crazed gult people screaming obscenities and threatening me with extremist parochial sentiments for comparing Venkatesh with John Abraham. So I am going to play the decent person here and just keep quiet.

All I can say is this: Why, God? Why? (Enna koduma ithu, Saravana!)

P.S.: On second thought, I have been having very thin readership lately, so maybe I should say something anti-gult to get some comments flowing in....hmmm, do I risk it?