"Life is a roller coaster..

...just gotta ride it."

My iPod played this as I waited an extra 10 mins for my train (delayed, as usual) to Rüsselsheim at Mainz Hbf today...and it got me thinking. Surprised? Don't be...I do think, occasionally.

My life does feel like a roller coaster right now. I feel like I have grown-up so much in the past one year. My biases have been questioned...perceptions have completed changed...and yet I am back to some of the questions that troubled me as a teenager. I feel like I have lived and died and been reborn directly in my 16th year of life. Which by the way was not sweet at all. So yes, I'm not too happy with the fact that I feel like this.

When I was last in Europe I was eligible for a Youth/Student discount in most places because I was under 25. This time around I have been pegged in the "Adult - 26 to 59" category. It hurts. Since when did 26 to 59 become an acceptable category. Shouldn't there be more smaller sub-categories within that?

I digress. So yes, I feel 16 in my head. Confused with all the questions that made me feel lost back then. I made conscious decisions (it's debatable whether they were right or wrong, but they definitely were conscious ones) as I worked my way through 17, 18, 19....all the way to 26. And now with just a little more than a month left to turn 27, I hate it that all the work over the past decade feels useless. Shouldn't I have more answers than questions? I don't mind the questions, believe me. But I just thought that they would be different questions. Not the same ones when I was freaking 16. Ugh.

I am happy with school and my plans for my career once I graduate. I feel relatively surer and safer this time around than I did during my undergrad. So I'm not worried per say about that aspect of my life. It looks promising if I continue with the vague plans I have and act on them diligently. So no, it's not the: what do I do in life question. At least not with respect to my career.

It's those stupid, silly, annoying questions about the bigger picture of life. Family. Friends. Life in general, so to say. Lets start one by one, shall we? And no I am not waiting for you to answer that. Just play along for once, will you?

Family: I'm stumped here. Yes, I have a family. Mom and dad are getting to 60, which is scary in itself. But I can always go "home" to Pondichéry 'cause it will always be home. No where else. Although the small town always made me feel trapped and confined. It still continues to stifle me from time to time. But it still is home. Mostly because of mom, dad and the house I grew up in. Nothing else. If they were, lets say, in Timbucktoo...then I would call that home. So yes, it's more of the people than the place. My sister, she will always be a call away no matter what. A little closer maybe in the coming year. Life is taking its course. And then me. Alone. In Europe. But on paper in the US. Studying. Working. Struggling. But I know of 80 odd other people who are going through the same motions as me. And of course that's just my classmates. There are thousands of other students like me out there which I cannot even begin to count. So yeah, me. Lost. Confused. And dying with questions I can't even begin to formulate in a meaningful sentence in my head. Forget about asking it out loud to the Universe. I can't even ask it in my head.

Friends: The only friends I remember are those from Bangalore. I've kind of blocked and erased all my school and undergrad friends. I think it's something to do with the frustrating small town mentality that I'm trying to run away from. Bangalore feels like a real home sometimes. Where I grew up and 75% of the confused person that I am today is the sum total of my life in Bangalore. I miss my PG and my narrow bed and the small cupboard and the bad food and the traffic and the security of my friends there. Safe that someone will call to check on me on bad days. That someone will open the door for me at 6 AM with a smile when I get back from a weekend trip to home. Making soup and toast with Maggi on rainy weekends. I miss them all. Like a part of me is somewhere else and I don't feel complete. I guess I finally did find friends whom I never want to lose. Which is kind of a first for me. I think I am happy on the "Friends" part of my life. Although, I wish India were closer or flight tickets were cheaper.

Life in general: I just finished reading "Something Borrowed". The book was like reading the script of a Hollywood chick-flick. Which in turn is true cause the movie just released. It felt like a safe read on my flight back from Madrid. I was greatly mistaken though. Although badly criticized and written-off mostly by critics, the book made me feel a little kindred towards Rachel's character. Small town girl, followed the rules of life, made practical choices education and career wise, always had to work hard for everything, nothing came easy to her and shadowed by someone all her life. And of course, confused and lost. I am as confused by her character although I am in the same boat. And then the mistakes she makes. I made a lot of mistakes. Still do. Hoping that someday I will get lucky, maybe?

I feel like I am at a cross-road in life where I can't help but re-visit old memories and question myself over and over and over again on the choices that I made at each turn. Why this? Why that? How could you have been so stupid? How did you ever think this would work out? Or not? I am haunted by those memories and the questions. No wonder I feel like I am 16 again.

I have seen people all the time who have gotten so lucky with their bad decisions. It's like they have a gift or are blessed. Or they just float through life while others decide for them and they still turn out happy and content. I can't for the life of me understand it. I always believed that I should take control of my life. In that way, if I do mess up I will only have me to blame. But I would still have the security that I took the initiative, the risk, the leap of faith whatever. It would feel like I have exercised my right to live. Isn't that better than holding someone else/something else responsible for your good/bad things in life? And then there are the people who make mistakes and get back in the game unscathed leading normal happy lives. How is that fair? I always get punished for my mistakes. I remember a friend telling me this, everything in life comes with a price tag. I always check the price tag. I need to know what I am losing to gain something.

I look back at the conscious decisions that were/are inherently wrong. The only thing that comes to mind is, when will it be my turn to be lucky?

Oh...I want 'everything'!

Situation 1: No breakfast and hungry as hell. The craving for 'everything' begins...I finally give in and go to Jazzman's. Darn it! Only 'cinnamon-raisin'. I still get one. An hour later, I see a classmate have an 'everything' and he too got it at Jazzman's. Aaaargh...how did this happen?

Situation 2: Bagel and Coffee day...no classes but I still go to college. I had to work, don't judge. I go to the grad lounge and the tray of 'everything' is empty. I am heart broken and make peace with a 'blueberry' one. How sad is my life, huh?

Situation 3 (today, not 2 hours ago): The craving starts again and I stop by Capstone's Gibbes Court Bistro on my way to work. They are well known for stocking all kinds of bagels. But no, as fate would have it, they have none today except the healthy 'whole-wheat' ones. And I definitely do NOT want those. I take a coffee and leave.

I am at work now and just realize that we have Einstein Bros Bagels at Russel House. It's 46 degrees outside with 13 mph winds...I am NOT stepping outside. I give up on my 'everything' dream.

Why me?, is all I ask :(

Of Salsa and Bachata

I had the most amazingly productive weekend. Went partying and dancing on Friday, woke up early on Saturday and got so much work done, Sunday started early too and shaped out to be pretty good.

Friday was mind blowing. Came home and had a nice time unwinding and getting geared up for the party. Then we headed out to a friend's place for drinks and small talk and from there "I" finally made it to Salsa Cabana! I can't remember the umpteen number of times I've planned to go there and never made it. But this time it was real. The place is soooooo good and the dancing and music and the dancers...OMG! Thanks DM-B for all the planning! I got asked by some Latino guy for the first dance and also learnt how to do the Bachata. Can't believe I've been away from it for so long. And then tried to dance a little more with VJ...din't last long cause I had to teach him and kept giggling a lot. I think it irritated him a little. Then again I danced with HA and wow can that guy dance! Phew! I had to stop midway cause I got so tired but it was the best! Thanks HA... :) I think we came home at 3 AM and just crashed...but it was totally worth it.

Saturday I woke up early for a meeting and then had a solid couple of hours cleaning the apt. The 3 weeks of neglect since classes started were beginning to show and with Kupy coming here next week, it was high time I started to tidy up. I started craving for mom's onion chutney and dosai; so I cooked myself a really good meal. Ooh...also, I've started a food blog. Kinda proud about that. And then I headed to the gym and actually did a good 30 mins on the elliptical apart from the normal workout. I am so proud of moi! But by the time I came home I was so burned out...it was a herculean task to even get through dinner and a shower. But I still managed to crash pretty early at around 11.

Ah Sunday...a little disappointing but still pretty good. Although having risen early I somehow managed to screw up the schedule and couldn't make it to my salsa class :( GT was mad and how! But I managed to pack everything and get the apt sprayed for pests...so I guess it was worth-it. Or so I tell myself. However, one really good thing was that I made lasagne and poha today and clicked pics and updated my food blog. I am counting on that as a solid achievement.

Looking back, all I can say is this: Good times! :D

Proses vs. Prose

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be called "Pointless Prose". But apparently the web address was not available. Someone in some corner of the world actually thinks like I do and named her (or was it him?) blog the same. At least the URL was. So for lack of a better URL, I just used "proses" which is just not the same! :(

I got bored in class today and decided to check on the "prose" blog and Blogger kindly informed me that no blog with that name exists and asked me if I would like to start a blog with that name. I'm guessing that the user had: (a) been kicked out by Blogger or (b) deleted the blog by herself (or himself). So finally after all this while, I've got to name my blog the right way; Just like I wanted! :)

Bored Beyond Belief

My tryst with late nights is becoming a seriously concerning issue. This is my second post past mid-night and to make matters worse its on a weekend. And its not because I was out partying late or with friends. And neither is it insomnia that is keeping me awake. Quite the contrary actually, I have a huge pile of school work waiting to be done for Monday and yet here I am struggling to make myself focus and do my readings and write-up a decent enough summary for the same. Why me, is all I ask!

One good thing about this school term is that I get a lot of "me" time. I guess that is kinda the whole issue here. You take an MBA student and kill them with a hectic semester and then you give them the Spring term with relatively little to do. Well, thats worse than actually killing them. I am left with time that I have no idea how to deal with. It's oddly unsettling and almost normal. Not good. I say, not good.

I've actually started working out. Shocked? Me too! I even made a "Workout Playlist" on my iPod. I've been to a Power Yoga class, one session of Zumba and a two hour Salsa class tomorrow.

Readings? What readings? Which summary? :P

Nothing good happens after 2 AM

...and here I am at 3:13 AM giving a new look to my blog.

So many of my classmates have recently joined the blogger world. I am happy to have them.

However, no one seems to read my blog. Je suis tres sad! :(

Let's play "Catch Up"

Being back in school is fun in some ways...and not in some other ways...

Last year, when I moved to South Carolina I was too excited and ready for the ride to begin...but that excitement got me only a little far. Once the CORE of my MBA program started, things started getting too hectic and a little on my nerves. I found myself being constantly stressed out and having to choose between cook, study, shower or sleep at 8 or 9 in the night. Not an easy choice, lemme tell you.

But, I'm happy I did have the most stressed-out 6 months of my life. This is what I had wanted and I'm glad I ended up this way. I may have cribbed and whined to my girl-friends, friends, parents and sister; but truth be told I wanted to crib and whine and feel oh-so-importantly-busy. Yes, I am vain and I wanted it all and like I said, I'm happy to count this experience as an achievement in the year gone by.

Spring term just started and its boringly-busy. Yes, that is a word and I will use it even if you say no. I want a better lifestyle this spring and so I have this TO-DO list stuck to the wall in my room to work-on. Today, I guess I've gone a little towards achieving it by making my roomie my diet-cum-workout-buddy. We want to start Zumba classes and Yoga classes from next week on. Can't wait...

So let's play "catch up", huh?

I finally enjoyed my first real snow-fall. And believe me, its NOT easy to make a snowman. And I am not alone in thinking this. I asked around, seriously.

I walk everywhere I need to go or ask around for a ride. There is NO public transport in this country.

I miss going out on the street and calling for a rickshaw. I miss that I can go from one end of the city to the other in less than $3.

I wonder at how I've switched to "dollarizing" everything instead of talking in "rupees".

I live in the south which means that I live with a train-track not ten feet away from my apartment building. I have a mental time-table of the trains and I work my way around that to get to school. Not kidding, believe me.

My roommate is from Romania. And no, she is not a descendant of Dracula. On the same lines, I've also clarified with her that I do NOT come from a family of snake-charmers. So I guess we both learnt something from each other, don't you think?

I can cook really well. Oh yeah, I will boast about this. Come live with me for a week and you'll know.

I shopped for 24 hours straight during Black Friday and burnt a huge hole in my bank account. Unfortunately, this is all the shopping I did in a looooong while. I miss the time when I was earning and every weekend was synonymous with shopping trips to the mall and Commercial Street or Jayanagar.

Eating out! Oh dear God how I miss that! When you are a grad student and you go from earning to no earning, life is tough. I only eat out in places where I can get a meal for less than $5 (excluding taxes). I feverishly look for coupons online and in the junk mail I get. "Free Food" is a dangerous term to be uttered around me. Or any other grad student for that matter :)

But looking back I'm happy with this new year. I started this new phase in my life and I've met an amazing bunch of people and made so many new friends.

I can truly say that right now, Life's Good! :)

TA-DAA !!!

OK...so like I promised, here come the updates!

--> I finally got all my papers and made it to USA in one piece. USA, baby! :)

--> Had an amazing 10 days with my sister and mom...dad's the only one missing :(

--> Have you ever felt like a star for one day? As in celeb wise? I did! I got a hair-cut and everyone at the salon stood around me and just looked at my hair all the while going "OMG...I'm so jealous, you have such beautiful hair!" Hee hee...but yeah, I chopped some off and got bangs. The last time I remember having bangs was in 5th grade. LOL

--> Major shopping spree...mostly for college and we tried to hit as much of the clearence sales as possible. What? I'm a student...need to watch my budget now!

--> Went on my first road trip and crossed 4 states to finally reach SC. Columbia, baby! :P

--> Horrible apartment hunting expedition...literally killed all of us. I meant the heat, not the apartment search.

--> Went through a bad bout of home-sickness. Nearly recovered now.

--> Settled finally in my new apt.

--> Had my first official "accident" in campus. Fell down during games and hurt my knees badly. On rest for like 10 days now. Superstitious idiot that I am, I'm kinda relieved that I've gotten over the impending "bad" thing. But couldn't make it to the Community Service Projects today :(

--> Almost done with the first week of orientation. Classes start after the 4th of July long weekend. All geared up and ready to go! :)




P.S.: I miss you all @ Blore... :(


P.S.S.: Pics to follow soon! :)

Hmmm... :)

No...I'm not dead.

Yes...I'm very much alive.

It's just that there are way too many things changing around me way too fast! And I'm kinda superstitious about NOT talking about certain things unless and until they finish happening. So I'm gonna keep mum for...ummm... lets say another month....until I deem it safe to say anything?


Oooh...but there's a hint in the pic... :P


I hope I din't jinx anything... :)

On a bored Sunday evening...

I am a woman who makes mistakes, someone who cries on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed, I am a woman who often becomes bored with my life and find it hard to get up for work in the morning. I am a woman who more often than not has a bad hair day, who looks in the mirror and wonders why I can’t just drag myself to the gym more often; I am a woman who sometimes questions what reason I have to live on this planet. I am a woman who sometimes just gets things wrong.

On the other hand, I am a woman with a million happy memories, who knows what it is like to experience true love and who is ready to experience more life, more love and make new memories. Whatever lays ahead, I know I will open my heart and follow where it leads me.

In the meantime, I will just live.

DISCLAIMER:
All the content in this post are the sole copyright of Harper Collins Publishers and Cecilia Ahern. No plagiarism intended.