"Blurring Lines"

"I was like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation – that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

I didn't keep track of the days that passed – there was no reason, as I tried to live as much in the present as possible, no past fading, no future impending.

It was a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn't think that was enough of an explanation.

It wasn't as hard as I would have thought to keep focused on the present. The city looked a lot like any other normal hangout, and he set a vastly different mood.

After that, I really watched the show, laughing with him as the comedy got more and more crass. How was I ever going to fight the blurring lines in our relationship when I enjoyed being with him so much?

It was strange for me, being this close – emotionally rather than physically, though the physical was strange for me, too – to another human being. It wasn't my usual style. I didn't normally relate to people so easily, on such a basic level.

It wasn't just that he was always so happy to see me, or that he didn't watch me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark me as crazy or stupid. It was nothing that related to me at all.

It was just him. He was simply a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, he warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was so eager to see him.

I could tell that I was boring him, but he didn't complain. I tried not to dwell on my last trip through this part of the city, with a very different companion. Normal memories were still dangerous. If I let myself slip up, I'd end up with my arms clutching my chest to hold it together, gasping for air, and how would I explain that to him?

He whistled cheerfully, an unfamiliar tune, swinging his arms and moving easily through the crowd. The shadows didn't seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.

It was so wrong to encourage him. Pure selfishness. It didn't matter that I'd tried to make my position clear. If he felt any suspicion at all that this would turn into something other than friendship, then I hadn't been clear enough.

How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house – condemned – for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all – just the one small piece. He deserved better than that – better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.

Yet I knew that I wouldn't send him away, regardless. I needed him too much, and I was selfish.

This made me brood a little. I supposed that that was exactly what it looked like from the outside; that I was using him. As long as he and I knew how it really was, I shouldn't let those kinds of assumptions bother me. And maybe they wouldn't, if I hadn't known that he would have loved for things to be what they appeared. But his hand felt nice as it warmed mine, and I didn't protest.

Maybe I could make my side more clear, so that he would know to leave me. The thought made me shudder, and he tightened his arm around me.

He was quiet, thoughtful. He left his arm around me, and it was so warm that the cold wind felt good. I stared out the windshield, consumed with guilt.

I watched him go, and he seemed to be in better control – than me, at least. I stared at the empty street when he was gone, feeling a little sick myself, but not for any physical reason.

How much I wished that had some legitimate claim on him that still would leave me free of any blame. Heaven knows I had never wanted to use him, but I couldn't help but interpret the guilt I felt now to mean that I had.

Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you.

I'd been broken beyond repair.

But I needed him now, needed him like a drug. I'd used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I'd planned to go with anyone again. Now I couldn't bear for him to be hurt, and I couldn't keep from hurting him, either. He thought time and patience would change me, and, though I knew he was dead wrong, I also knew that I would let him try.

He was my best friend. I would always love him, and it would never, ever be enough."


DISCLAIMER:

All the content in this post are the sole copyright of The Hachette Book Group's Little Brown and Company and Stephanie Meyer. No plagiarism intended.

Relative PERSONALITIES???

This is something that I got curious about during my college days.

To begin with, I studied in an All Girls Catholic institution for 14 years…my entire school-life. And that too most of them who were like moi, in the sense they too started off with me in kindergarten and lasted with the same set through junior college. Hence I was only exposed to this small sample set of aforementioned specimens. So Engg College brought me closer to so many more species and that too of varied types.

I am a person who is completely introverted. I wouldn’t open my mouth and talk to strangers unless and until they approach me with atleast a “hi” or a “hello”. This is the reason why the proclamation in my profile in the “About Me” section was put in. Almost all of my first-opinion has had me classified as an ARROGANT SNOB who DOESN’T TALK TO OTHERS.

Could anything be more unfair? :(

Anyways, to set the record straight; almost all of them who took the first step with their “hi” and “hello” realized how misled they were by my silence. And these have also been the people who were patient and slowly drew out from under many layers of self-doubt the real person that is me. And these are also the people with whom I am still in touch and still call as my “small circle of friends”.

The problem was that this opinion changed only for “almost all” of them. The rest of them stuck to their pre-conceived notions of my personality judging only by my introverted behaviour, which I really cannot blame much. So, big deal… who cares!!!

But I digress…to come back to the main thread...it did form the basis of a very interesting study for me that stemmed mostly only from the curiosity to know how the same person could be so different to different people.

So partly because of the reason stated above and partly because I had to come up with something nice for my college magazine, I decided to put pen to paper about this “thought” that pretty much intrigued me in my alone-moments. What you will now read below, is an “updated” version of what went into my college magazine.

*************************************

THE THEORY OF RELATIVE PERSONALITIES

I have noticed that a person puts up a different front to different people. Now, please pay attention…not different “faces” but different “fronts”. As in each person seems to bring out a different “personality” from within him/her.

If you tried to experiment a little and tried to switch this behavioural-pattern between the people you know; you would be looked up and down a few times, a few unbelievable blinks and angry glares are sure to ensue too and your well-being would be enquired about in stage whispers!

The million dollar question is this: Why are we so different to different people? Why aren’t we the same to all and sundry? We are the same person no matter with whom we are, then why this change of “personality”? Does this mean we are hypocritical? What is equally astounding is the number of varied stances we take with different people depending on the circumstances.

What I’m really trying to say is that though we are basically one and the same but we have dazzling dimensions to our personality which are brought to the fore depending upon the people and the vibes that we “intuitively” pick up from them.

People, to whom we have a liking, bring out the best in our nature. Ever wondered why you develop an instant dislike to a particular person whom you have just met, for no rhyme or reason? This is what people label as “intuition”. We all have an “intuitive” nature that guides us through, whenever we meet new people, and it is this “intuition” that is responsible for the “apparent” change in our “personality”: when we meet-up with our old pals or otherwise even when we strike-up a balance with a new-found friend.

Now I can’t say much about others ‘cause I haven’t really done some research or random survey across a good sample population. But looking down into myself I can say this: I am all basically three people: one, what I am to my family; two, what I am to my friends and three, what I really am; “The real I, Me, Myself!”

We change our personalities to suit the other person(s) expectation(s) in such a subtle way that it is totally indiscernible to most others and even us! There is a sort of split-personality or alter-ego automaton within us, which works at incredible speeds that’ll even baffle a super-computer! It is this automaton that switches between the myriad personalities within us to suit the company and the circumstances.

*************************************

I don’t claim or state anything in the above post as FACT; I just wanted to pen down my own experience with the people whom I have met in this journey of mine so far. Neither do I claim that this is the single-most truth of behavioural patterns amongst people. It’s my blog and this is just one of my ramblings that I wanted to write about. :)

"I taw a puddy tat"

It's just another day in the never-ending routine that my life is; I am home from office waiting for my other friends while the clock ticks away the seconds. Now, it is very important that you get the picture right 'cause otherwise the ending will be totally lost. So, picture this:

I am sitting on a small foot-stool beside my cot with my laptop balanced on the matress. After kicking-off my sandals I stretch my legs luxuriously beneath the cot to let it relax a bit after the loooong walk home from the bus stop. I get busy pretty soon checking out my mails and laughing to myself at some stupid pics in a friend's album. In the middle of all this Mai arrives and as usual we start our lite-gossip of all things under the sun. She then leaves to freshen up and well I am still not budging my generous self off the foot-stool and get busy again with my mails.

Suddenly, I feel a little furry scratch on my right shin. I share my room with a few thousand mosquitoes, so I really didn't bother. After a fraction of a second my stupid brain realised that mosquitoes aren't in anyway whatsoever furry. Curious, I lift the end of the bed-cover that drapes over the edges of my narrow-little bed and....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I see an evil white cat with green eyes looking at me from under the cot. I continued to scream as I jumped up on my roomie's cot all the while looking at the evil cat. It tried to advance but I guess the decibel level of my scream pretty much sealed any such option. It turned swinging its tail and with a contemptuous glance over its shoulder (Do cats have shoulders?), it sauntered out of the room. Along the corridor I could see Mai match my decibel level in an equally loud scream as the evil white cat quickened its steps to run past her and outside the door.

You know it's not that I don't like cats...It's just that I hate cats. I just so positively loathe them. I cannot stand the sight of a cat. People who know me wonder how I can call myself leonine when I can't even make my peace with a domestic cat. If I ever happen to see a cat lurking in my vicinity, I feel like its a living evil manifestation of my deepest darkest fears stalking me. It positively gives me the creeps!

After a few seconds, I realised that i had been screaming non-stop and stopped gasping for breath. Mai then rushed into my room asking if I was OK and lifting a shaking finger towards the door I whispered: I TAW A PUDDY TAT!





DISCLAIMER:
* This post is not meant in any way whatsoever to hurt the sentiments of the people who love cats as pets, animals and companions in general.
* It is just a tale of a girl who has her little fetishes.
* If this post has been disturbing in any way to cat-lovers around the world, I sincerely apologise.
* And inspite of this, If people are still angry at me then I know for sure that I am going to be re-born as a cat in my next birth. *GULP* :(

The First time I...

2 years 3months and 15 days...

I'd settled in Bangalore for that long and on that fateful 15th day I finally went Bowling. That was one of my first's and the next one being that I went to Leela Palace. I know...I know... its not big deal and pretty stupid, but then thinking about it later really hit me on how much time had actually passed since I had settled in this city. GOSH! It can't be that long surely! But it was...

I'm not the type who parties every Friday night through the weekends. Neither am I the type who has friends who do that. So *SIGH* I guess that explains my current predicament. The fact that something so stupid got me pretty excited like a kid was just truuuuly pathetic.

I went there with two other friends; VJ and MSS...both of whom were thankfully experienced. *PHEW!* And they knew the routine too...so I was saved the embarassment of being caught doing something stupid. We had to wait for about 30 mins as we sat around in the lounge talking and enjoying the loud music. Finally, our turns came and we went to pick out our shoes. God! I can't even begin to describe the stench in that room!!! I tried to pick out a clean looking shoe while at the same time trying to decide on the most appropriate size that wouldn't send me sprawling on the floor. In the end, we emerged shoe-clad and ready for the game. We were assigned LANE 1 with our own scorecard screen and the whole enchilada.

I started first with the other two teaching me on the number of the ball that I should choose, how to hold it, how to balance and then finally let go. Lucky for me, the first one dindn't go for the gutter. So...YAY!!!

But, many others did. :(

It was less of an embarassment that at the end of the day, the scorecard looked like this:

And I actually managed to get a decent score!!! :)



P.S. : In the pic, "A" is me!!!!

Dial - 101

OK...so power cuts in Koramangala is something as mundane as seeing cute girls/guys on MG road... :)

And as usual, when I returned from office one day I found my entire lane in complete darkness. Fumbling my way to my PG I continued the trail to my room and dumped my stuff. It so happened that there were just two other girls in the PG that day (both of them quite obliviously busy on the phone!)

I promptly lit a candle and settled myself in the Hall with some music. Slowly, the rest of them trickled in, each one complaining about the power and I was tempted to ask: "What else is new?"

So...the junta in the hall increased and each one was quite content to sit around until the power would come back. The usual time frame was 1 to 1.5 hours, so what the heck!

One of the last few to join us was my pal CG (name masked for obvious reasons!) she was quite vocal about the "stupid power problems" and took her time to scream her heart out to us on the same topic. After we managed to calm her down she decided to head to her room for a quickie.

Mai (reason for name: ditto), my other good pal and I were just competing on who had donated the higher content of blood to mosquitoes when we heard someone repeatedly scream: "OH HELL! OH HELL! OH HELL!"

We followed the sound and reached CG standing outside her room with a view through the doorway that literally gave all of us a massive heart-attack! What we saw was the corner cupboard with a mane of fire!!!

On impulse, all of us rushed helter-skelter to collect water in any possible container to douse the flames. After around 20 mins of frenzied activity we finally managed to get things under control. We then stood around in a breathless huddle and the discussion on the fire started:

HOW COME? - Candle
BUT HOW? - Left on top of the cupboard
BUT STILL...HOW DID THE FIRE START? - The top of the cupboard also served as a shelf to one roomie who had loaded it with lots plastic bags stuffed with odds-and-ends.
WHO? - Well, remember one of the oblivious phone gals I mentioned? She had left it there assuming that CG would be in the room.
BUT THAT'S STUPID? - Tell me about it!

Slowly the huddle broke up, each one still amazed at how someone could have left a burning candle unattended that way. None of us had an answer for that!

After a while the power was back and we went to inspect the damage properly. That's when I noticed that the bed that was placed beside the cupboard was also burnt on one end. Apparently, stuff had fallen down on the bed and in all the running-about one of them had taken care of that too. To make matters worse, the plastic that had caught fire had actually melted and seeped into the cupboard through the cracks in the door and burnt most of the clothes too. A scrambled inspection of the contents of the cupboard and we soon had 2 piles of clothes: BURNT and ALIVE.

Phew!

For that night we made places for the inmates of the room within our own and in other empty places in the PG. The smoke filled house felt dark and damp. But we did not dwell on anything. Sitting around in a group in Mai's room we joked about the whole thing while still knowing how serious it was. Slowly, we broke up and went our ways.

It was one helluva evening to say the least!

'Appy B'day to ME!!!

No...actually to my blog! :)

It's been ONE YEAR!!!

Gosh! I still can't believe it...technically speaking, its been one year and 3 days...so whatever!

Hmm...I've been kinda away from the blog circuit since Diwali...I think I'm gonna blame my work again. It's been really hectic since I returned and I am so tired on weekends that even my social life has come to a stand still. I haven't gone to the movies, no fine dining adventures, no new lounges to explore....sheesh! In short, I had become a recluse. I literally and shamefully slept away the weekends.

But all bad (and good!) things come to an end and so did this! My dear dear dear friend VJ had come down from Mumbai. And I was meeting up with VJ after 2.5 years. It's such a nice feeling when you meet friends (real good buddies) after such a long span and still feel like nothing has changed.

All in all, it has been a really good "1st anniversary" !

Cheers! :)

To a Rainy Diwali...

So...this has been my second Diwali away from home...but still the first one without new clothes, loads of home-made treats, crackers...and of course Dad's shagun money! :(

But it was still a nice Diwali as I had my mom with me! She flew in all the way from India to be with me on Diwali...and it was awesome! Agreed that I went to office, had the usual meetings, mails...and it din't make it easier that it rained non-stop for the entire day...but still, I had mom waiting for me with a sumptuous dinner when I got back to the apartment!

Hope everyone's Diwali was as special...and different as mine!

Vegetarische???

I don't know why there is a second consecutive post based on my culinary experiences! Maybe because I am the only lone vegetarian in any group of "n" people whom I meet here...wat is this world made of? Are there no vegetarians around?

Anyway, this particular episode has a prologue...so I will start with that. When we were en route to Paris, we decided to stop at Mannheim for a quick bite (dinner that is!). So we headed to the nearest fast-food store and started placing our orders. Poor me walked upto the counter and tried my best to convey to the girl that I needed a VEGETARISCHE burger...without chicken, meat, beef, pork, fish etc. Thankfully, that particular girl understood me and clearly explained that they do have a VEGETARISCHE burger with a potato and red kidney beans pattie! Yay! So I went ahead and promptly ordered one. When I received my order, I begged my friends to check out whether it was really a vegetarian one. They confirmed it and well, I went on to enjoy a really good meal. So...what went wrong here? Why did I make you read through this last para which has absolutley no twist or turn? Well, I told you! Its just the prologue... :)

So...now what? The main scoop of course!

Fast-forward to one week later...Me and my friend spent a blissful day of shopping and galivanting about the streets of Heidelberg and Mannheim. We returned to Heidelberg to find out that we had missed our bus to the Hotel by just a minute. Cursing and giggling, we staggered inside the Hauptbahnhof and tried to find something to eat. We saw a huge Burger King sign and promptly headed that way. Now, just so you know...this friend of mine is one of those rare vegetarians like myself. So being a good girl, I told her that we do get Veg burgers at Burger King and promptly headed the small party of two towards the entrance. We waited patiently in front of a queue of loud teenagers who looked more like the local urchins and finally reached the counter after a full 20 minutes! Confidently (but falteringly in my german) I told the guy behind the counter that I wanted "2 Vegetarische burgers". He looked at me a little skeptically and broke into a tirade of Deutsche...that was when my friend stopped him and asked if he spoke English. He flashed us a wide grin and this time, broke out in Butler English. So to cut a long story short, we got it through him and had our order processed. The bill came to € 3.70 (in total!) and I had this quick flash-back wherein I remembered chipping in € 3.99 per person for a similar order. I immediately started trying to remember all that we had eaten that day...

"Maybe because we had ordered pommes frites and coke? And maybe because we also took some Flurry-Joghurt..."

Before my mind could actually remember all this and answer them (to myself)...my friend was nudging me to ask if i needed Käse. On reflex, i said NO. But she was indulent with my diet that day and went ahead with an affirmative consoling me that: "giving in once in a while is good..." Oh, well! I went ahead with the wave and completely lost track of the unanswered questions in my head. We were served our burgers and we headed to the nearest table. Prattling non-stop about our shopping, we hardly cast an eye on the burger that we each put to our respective drooling mouths. The next moment, we both were looking at each other with an inexplicable, albeit similar, expression plastered on our faces. No no, no no...It wasn't non-vegetarian...it's just that...that...there was absolutely nothing in it!!!!!!

We set the so-called burgers down and looked between the two breads. Another moment later, we were roaring with laughter and almost out of breath! The so-called "Vegetarische Burger" had as its stuffing: one slice tomato, one slice Käse and a sad looking lettuce leaf...AND NOTHING ELSE!

So...wat did me and my friend learn from this? Never trust your half-baked German knowledge...and never, ever order a "Vegetarische Burger" unless the person at the counter understands and speaks good english!!!

How do I make tea? Let me count the ways…

I am sooo not a morning person. I hate to wake up early, unless and until I have some personal motive or gain behind it. Like, wanting to go to the malls early so that I can lose the crowd and the waiting…or wanting to have a leisurely and hot breakfast in my PG. As you can see, even these personal gain options are limited!

Taking my 7 o clock shuttle to office daily while I was in Bangalore was a Herculean task to me. How did I survive then?

Sitting through meeting that go on for hours and your updates are needed just 10 minutes before it closes…how did I survive that?

TP* during the free hour that we get in a work-day…how do I survive that?

Well…the universal answer to all this is, for me, TEA!!!!

So when I came to Germany and was finding my way around here, the first thing that I did was get a cup of tea at breakfast. There are no words to express my disappointment at the light colored brew that was being passed off served as tea. Being so used to the typical Indian chai** I found it very difficult to make my peace with the herbaly, no-taste tea that most café’s served.

It was slightly better at office. There were at least options and I could try my best with it. On my first day, I had an English Earl Gray tea which was better albeit along the same league as my morning tea. The next day onwards, I started experimenting slowly with each of the flavors available. Just so you know, we don’t get hot milk here and the only milk available is a bottled one or the airplane-sachet-like variety. In the bottled milk, I again found two different types: one with 1.5% fett*** and the other with 4.0% fett***. For the first trial I took the former option and well it was ok I guess. In the next trial I tried the latter one which was pretty good. And the next trial I tried the sachet ones which were by far the worst ever!!!

So each day I tried out a new combination…playing around with the varying the amount of water and milk and also the time until which I removed the tea bag. It has been almost a month here and I can finally say that I have hit-on one correct method in which I do make my tea every day!

Yay! :)


P.S: So…any guesses which tea actually worked out for me in the end? ASSAM tea!!!! :P

*TP - Time Pass

**chai – tea
***fett – fat

iShare...

I have loads to share with you. It’s been quite sometime since I found the time to blog…the past 3 months have been a roller-coast ride with so many things changing in my life.

Firstly, I am in Germany on project work and would be here for the next 3 months at least. The experience has been nothing but awesome. And then I have now completed 2 years as an independent girl. 6 months ago I took up a new job that has shown me what the term “loving your job” truly means. The journey has been a revelation in itself. My flight was really cool with a stopover in Dubai. Being used to the sight of the Chennai or Old HAL Airport of Bangalore, the Dubai airport looked more like a shopping mall.

So I landed here last month and I love it so far. The place is awesome and so is my apt and the work too! Some pics below from my first impression of the beautiful neighborhood near my apt building.

Coming to a new place and seeing a new culture around you is something that you need to experience to know how it truly feels. The first sentence that i ask anyone
(from the supermarket cashier to my cab driver) is: "Hallo...do you speak english?" :)

Being a veggie, I was warned by everyone to carry some food with me. But experimenting with the various, albeit limited options available for veggies here is a task in itself. The brezels, Döner Kebab, Falafel, Pizza, Pasta etc...are mouth watering if we just learn to train our taste buds to give a chance to other cuisines.

Oh yeah! One more thing that i have got a hang of since the past month is the German twang while saying "SO" and "JA" :D

So...Tschüs !!!